


This is the last of the letters i write to you.

by InTheVoid



Series: Now i am free, taking back my life. [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Bisexuality, Demisexuality, Depression, F/M, Fluff, Gay, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sexuality Crisis, Smut, Strangers to Lovers, Suicidal Thoughts, dan and phil dating in the end, dan is nice and shows phil real love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-16 11:16:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19317088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InTheVoid/pseuds/InTheVoid
Summary: Phil is in a long term relationship whit a abusive girlfriend and trying to get out, meanwhile he is broken down mentally after his mother pasts away. After many years battling whit his past he seeks professional help, and his life turns upside down. for the better.





	This is the last of the letters i write to you.

**Author's Note:**

> PS. this is based on my life, written down to start a new chapter of my life. i am happy to have found real love, and experience what real love is in my life. both from friends and the new found love in my life. 
> 
> Please find help when you are in a abusive relationship of all sorts. I did, and it was and still is hard, i didn't have the courage to write down and think about the absolute worst parts of it. This was hard enough to write and dig up the pain all of this has cost in my life. Hope you enjoy this story whit an happy end. xx

Phil wakes up, body aching, he opens his eyes slowly. He realized he isn't at home in his bed. He still is in the hospital bed, it has been 3 weeks now, and had his second surgery yesterday, if he heeled like he should he was able to get home in just a few days. He was sick of this place, the smell and the bright lights burning his eyes. Phil closed his eyes again and grunted in pain, he felt a soothing hand over his arm "are you awake?" it was his mother. Phil just nodded brows furrowed, in to much pain to speak. "you want some more pain killers?" his mother asked worried. Phil nodded again, it hurt to move his head. his mother called for a nurse and he soon got a shot whit pain relief. it hit his system fast and he drifted away in sleep again.

Here he lays, 25 years old and his mother taking care of him like a child. 3 years ago they found he had some sort of gene defect, he had a very increased chance to get tumors and cancer in many organs and parts of his body. Phil had a hard time accepting this, he was afraid for the future. due this gene defect if he wanted kids he needed to think carefully about biological kids, the gene defect was hereditary, so his future kid would also get this. He was clear that that was something he never wanted, have his own kids go trough this. This was the biggest stab of it all phil always wanted kids, and now he couldn't have his own. 

He never talked about being scared or sad, he wasn't big in speaking about feelings. They started doing check ups and tests on his body 3 times every year, to be able to find them in time. the last check up he did, he had a feeling it wouldn't turn out blank like every time they did before. He was right they found a tumor in his stomach and throat. both needed to be removed directly so the day after he got checked in to the hospital. His girlfriend Sofie had dropped him of in the morning. He felt scared and wanted to ask if she was following him inside but he didn't dear to ask and sound like a child. She was never scared, so she wouldn't understand. 

The day after when he had an appointment whit his surgeon, he said fuck it and talked whit sofie he felt scared, asking if she could be there whit him. She came after some convincing from Phil. He knew what she was thinking when she sat next to him in the meeting room, that he should man up a bit and get it together. He hated when she said those things to him. 

the following days, Sofie only came by once or twice, only complaining about work and taking care of their dog all by her self. He thought that she only was being nice trying to talk about other stuff then hospital things. keeping his mind on something else was nice he thought. His brother came by bickered and joked around whit him everyday after he finished work, he was always able to make Phil happy in the most sad days. His mother stayed around all day every day, till visiting hours where over. His father lived far away so he wasn't able to visit so often but he came by on the day of the first surgery. He was happy to have such supporting and loving family, even if his mum and dad where divorced they still where good friends. they had a happy and healthy relationship together after the breakup. Phil looked up to them very much. 

The first surgery went very well, they removed the tumor in his stomach, and he healed like he should. The other surgery went quickly and smooth as the first one, but this one hurt much more, he felt how his throat hurt when he swallowed. but the pain killers did their job, and he healed nicely so he was send home 3 days later. he was only allowed to eat fluid food the first week, he hated the taste of the protein shakes the hospital had given him but he knew he would recover faster if his body was strong. 

Sofie never asked how he was feeling, and phil never told her how he felt. It was how they lived, he was healthy and tumor free now so why should he feel sad or scared. He told himself this until he believed himself that he was happy.

2 years later Phil is sitting in his car, at home in the drive way, rain pouring down. how iconic he thinks. he feels drained, lost in himself. he wants to cry, but the tears cant come how much he wants them to come they wouldn't.  
inside the house is his sick mother, and his girlfriend and there dog. about 1 year ago his mother got a heart attack, it took hard on him, they where always close, she is the only person he really could talk to. it got worse fast and she needed to be taken care of, so Phil and his girlfriend Sofie moved in to his mothers house. now she is so sick she doesn't know her own name anymore, screams of night terrors, death is near he knows it but after have taken care of her over 1 year it's hard to let go. he knows she also don't want to let go, she has mentioned it several times she is not ready. about a week ago phil couldn't take care of here alone anymore, he got help at home from nurses arriving every few hours.  
Phil opens the door slowly, feet heavy going inside the house, he meets one of the nurses, she looks sad and apologetic over to Phil. He says hello to his mother gives her a hug, not wanting to be whit her to long, he cant stand it to see her like this. she screams in pain and panic, his mother she is already gone he feels. he walks in to the living room, his girlfriend watching tv, he says hello she barley looks up and replies. It's nothing new he think, and takes the dog and walks out, he needs to be alone whit his dog, its the only thing that will work, only thing that will keep him breathing. he decides to take the car to the sea, his favorite spot. the sea breeze and just a static sound of that gets him to relax and feel something. he just wants to feel, just something, pain or love just something. when he drives home after many hours sitting by the sea, still not able to feel anything. He finds himself considering of driving in to a tree in high speed, nobody will miss him anyway. it's then he knows he needs help. 

He comes home, he peeks in to his mothers room, lying there whit wires attached keeping her alive. she is sleeping, probably so drugged down she couldn't keep awake anymore. upstairs his girlfriend already in bed sleeping, she wakes up when he lays down next to here. she just turns around and sighs annoyed he had woken her up. Phil wants someone to talk to, you would think a girlfriend is a good start to talk to, but he tried before and she just shuts him down and says he is pathetic, be a man and grow up. maybe she is right he thinks, there are so much worse things you can go trough. he pulls his dog close in to him, feels his heartbeat in his hand, steady breaths he thinks. just calm down, no need to panic. eventuality he falls a sleep, wakes 4 hours later of his mother screaming in pain. He puts on his glasses and hurries down stairs, picks up the needle and medication in the kitchen and gives his mother the shot. it's strangely how used he his to needles know, it's the same every morning for the last couple months. she screaming in pain, phil sprinting down and giving her what she needs. it's getting worse and he knows it, they are counting days now. before he had the nurses in the house, Phils most called number was 999. sometimes because she couldn't breath. sometimes because chest pains. 

She finally relaxes enough to stop screaming, Phil tries to talk to her calmingly. but her brain is so damaged of all the medication and heart failures she is just not there anymore. Phil sighs heavy, walks upstairs laid down again in his bed, sofie still sleeping, she doesn't wake up anymore from his mother, just sleeps trough it. Sofie never asks how he feels, how he is doing, no he just needs to man up.

the next day before going to work, he meets a nurse in the door, he takes a deep breath. "uhm i think i need help, like therapy or something" she just looks over to him understanding and pulls out a paper and writes down a number " here give her a call, its psychologist, i already have spoken to here about you, but these things need to come from your own will. so i'm proud of you to take this step" she says carefully. "and you are strong and loving person you know, most people would have never been able to this for their family, just hang in there"  
Phil tanked here and drove to work, he put the paper whit the number between the car seats. he would call after work, he never called that day or the following days. 

The days went by slowly, his mother getting worse every day, if that even was possible.  
The nurses had asked him to sit down one evening, asking about what he thought of placing her in a home,"what do you think Phil? she will have observation 24/7" the nurse asked. Phil knew she needed it, but he remembered that was exactly the last thing she wished for when he spoke to her a few moths ago, she really didn't want to be in a home, she wanted to die at home in peace. it was her last wish and Phil was determined to give her at least that. Phil shook his head "no i can't give up her last wish" he said. "but phil, honey, this isn't healthy for you, you need to think about yourself to" the nurse said carefully placing her hand on his trembling hands. Phil shrugged away, " NO, No i cant let you do that!" He screamed stood up and left. 

The day after the nurse called and they said they can pull some strings, and give a 24/7 care at home. He should be thankful, but truth was he was afraid because this meant it was close, the nurse said it could be hours about now. 2 days later the nurse knocked on phil and sofies bedroom door, saying she think it is time. phil walked down whit heavy feet, looking over his shoulder looking if Sofie followed him. she didn't.  
He sat down beside his mothers bed, they had taken away all wires and medication earlier that day. the nurse left him alone. he sat there holding her hand, he had no words, what where you suppose to say to your dying mother? 

"Its okey, i will be fine, Just let go" phil whispered in her ear and laid his head down on her chest. maybe he imagined it but he could feel a small squeeze in his hand. minutes later her already fainting heart beat stopped. the second he realized it wasn't there anymore the tears came down. a mix of releave and pain going trough his body. he felt a hand on his shoulder, hoping it was Sofie, but realizing it was the nurse. he stood u she gave him a hug, it felt strange to get that much sypmaty from an almost stranger. he walked up the stairs heavy feet. Sofie was awake didn't say anything. "she is gone" Phil said. "oh Sorry to hear that Phil" She stood up gave him a hug and a kiss on his cheek. She turned around and laid down in bed again. Phil pulled on a hoodie and socks. already having trousers on. "Where are you going?" she asked. "just need some air, just a little bit" Phil said coldly.

that night, he walked til the sun had gone up, people heading to work, for there normal day, like nothing had happened. he took up his phone, 6 hours had he been walking. Not even one worried message from Sofie.  
in the back of his mind he heard her voice, 'just man up'. so that is what he did. he manned up, 2 days later he was back to work and tried to live a normal life. he knew the day he would let himself think and reflect about he shut his feelings down. that day he would be miserable so he shut them down, buried them deep down, he had done it before so he why not continue doing that.

A year went by, he was now standing by his mothers grave, the first time he visited it. he felt empty, he should feel sad. he should feel something. his brother looked over to him, eyes wet, tears streaming down his cheeks. he should feel like that, why didn't he? why could he not at least let out some tears. just to feel some what normal. he felt like a freak, a failure. he frowned and sighed deeply.

He came home that day, Sofie as usual in the sofa by the TV. he said hello, and went in to the kitchen and started cooking dinner, meanwhile dinner was on the stove he vacuumed and cleaned downstairs. holding himself occupied in work he didn't have time to think about life. Sofie never cooked food, cleaned or did chores around the house. it bothered him sometimes, not as much at did before, he had learned to live whit it after 7 years whit here. it was not worth fighting over anymore, every time it resulted in all the things that where wrong about him. he felt worse than before the fights, so they barely spoke anymore. he didn't see a problem in it, she loved him, she told him that everyday. and he was in love whit here right? she was nice to him, he got to do the things he loved, she always apologized after she got to drunk or high on drugs, she would never hurt him. 

a few months went by, it was late and new years eve, he drove home from work. he had worked over time, like he usual did. Sofie was out whit here friends, she never asked if he wanted to be whit here or if it was okay. this also was no news, they never celebrated new years together, not the last 5 years at least. she said he was whiny and cliche about celebrating it together.  
suddenly a big deer appeared in front of the car, he tried to maneuver the car past it, the car lost grip on the wet road, it spun several times and then stopped all in ones, his ears ringed, his chest aced from the seat belt and neck throbbed from the sudden stop. all he could think in those milliseconds before he hit the tree, this is the end, 2 years ago you wanted this, now it is time, but he fast realized he didn't want to die. he really didn't. he tried to reach his phone, whit the phone in his hands he called his best friend PJ. he didn't know why but he didn't feel hurt enough to cal 999. he was okay, he was alive and well. 

"Hey PJ, its me phil" phil said whit a trembling voice crawling out of his car. "Hey phil, Everything okay?!" Pj replied worried, he must have heard his trembling voice.  
"yeah yeah i'm fine.. i think i need a ride home though, i almost hit a deer but spun of the road in to a tree instead, my car is wrecked" Phil said whit a awkward laugh.  
" WHAT?! WHERE ARE YOU? Do i need to call an ambulance? i'm on my way" Pj said. "yeah calm down, i'm fine just come and pick me up" Phil replied and described where he was.  
10 minutes later Pj pulled up on the side of the road, the life saver he was. Phil was embarrassed and angry at himself for wrecking his car. "what am i gonna do, i cant afford a new car" phil sighed while sitting down next to PJ.  
"are you really okay? i like to take you to the emergency just for a check up, i'm worried, your car is totally wrecked. i am surprised you are walking out of that thing." PJ said. "no i'm fine please take me home, i just need a painkiller for my neck and head, but they already hurt before i wrecked the car" Phil lied.  
"nope i'm taking you to the ER, i'm worried" PJ Said stern. 

When they came in and described what had happened and why they where there, he immediately got help and hurried in to a room, they did some test and took x-rays of his neck and back. they considered a mild whiplash, so he needed to take it easy the coming days. doctors saying he was lucky and had angel watch over him. 

Back in the car, "so have you spoken to sofie yet?" Pj asked. "uhm no, should i?" phil said. pj gave him a worried look, he knew vaguely about their relationship and Sofie never liked PJ, she made that very clear several times. "yes you should Phil, she is gonna worry sick if she finds out a other way" Pj said. "pfft, worry, Sofie worried about me tel me some other joke" Phil said coldly. Pj looked over worried. furrowed brows.  
"you can stay at my place tonight if you want, i'm alone at home to and was planning for a movie night whit Ben and Jerrys, i am happy to share it whit you" Pj said. "thanks that sound lovely" Phil said smiling.  
"but please at on one condition at least text Sofie and say you are fine and staying at my place tonight" Pj said

Phil send a quick message.  
P: Hey, so i just wrecked the car in to a tree, i'm fine, PJ took me to the ER, they said i was fine also. PJ invited me over for a movie night, he is alone and wanted company. Hope you are having a better night then me. xx

the reply came in quicker then he thought it would.  
S: K. When are you gonna stop hanging out whit that nerd by the way? he is so weird and fucked up whit depression and shit. pathetic if you ask me.. love ya xx

P: yeah i know stupid. love you to babes. xx

why should he even get his hopes up that he would be worried about him.  
"what did she say?" Pj asks. "oh nothing just that she is happy i am okay and you took care of me" Phil lies. they watched the film and ate ice cream. he felt in ease to be in PJ's presence.  
"You really okay Phil? i'm worried about ya you know." Pj murmured. phil was considering opening his heart up to PJ, he really did. but he didn't want to ruin the mood. he didn't respond. so after a few minutes PJ tried again. "You know i'm always here to talk to, how small or big it is, i am here"

They sat quiet for a while, "I think i am Bisexual" phil said almost in a whisper. he didn't dear to look pj in the eyes, he felt embarrassed. he hadn't told anybody after he told some people at school many years ago, those kids bullied him and abused him in school, kicked and pushed him called him fag and homo and many more things. so after that he never told anyone. "wow good fore you man, and thank fore telling me that" Pj said smiling. 

"i have known since i was a kid something was different whit me when my friend talked about crushes and cute girls, i never experienced a crush and never had a girlfriend growing up, it felt disgusting just thinking about kissing a girl. obviously i never said a thing about that. you know before we met, i really had no real friends. i always thought i had friends but they turned their back when i told them i maybe was bisexual or gay. they spread nasty roomers. they kicked me and beat me up in the hallway. the roomers about me being into guys started spreading and i was already an outcast you know so now they had even more to bully about. it was horrible every day there where people punching me and talking behind my back when i walked past them" Phil paused and took a few deep breaths.  
"that is when i stopped going to school fore the most time, my parents didn't know i ditched school. i was never making trouble i always left for school in the morning and would come home when i was supposed to. i just would walk around town and wait fore the time to pass. I failed so many classes, but it didn't bother me. my parents thought i had a hard time because the year before my childhood best friend got raped and murdered, he fucking got murdered on his way home from me, i still beat myself up for not either letting him stay at my place or walking him home. yeah and maybe that was also big deal in to it, maybe that is why i shut down and started being a loner out in school that is why they started picking on me. maybe it's a fucking huge part in my life that got fucked up" Phil felt the tears on his cheeks falling down. 

"And when i moved here, you know was happy to leave the town i lived in, start over you know. i decided it was the best to just be straight.. so that is what i told myself that i just needed to find the right girl, i went to a party whit my new job friends, to try to socialize even if i hated party's, but the booze made me loose up a bit and then a girl, yeah Sofie, came over to me sat next to me and we talked the whole evening, i went home whit here.. and i was so amazed that this beautiful outgoing girl was interested in me, dorky weird me. she was one of the cool girls, she had friends and was what i saw loved and looked up to by everyone. i was so happy that this girl wanted me. so i went home whit here. Sofie was so lovely, she wanted to show me of to her friends when we got together a few weeks later. she made me feel loved, something i never experienced before" tears kept steaming down his face, his chest acing from pain he was bringing up to the surface he had buried down so long ago. then he felt his friends long arms wrapping around him and just holding his shaking body. they stayed like that fore a long time.

"I -i never told anyone about the bullying, or the bisexual thing, not even Sofie knows" phil said between shaking breaths. "i don't know how to tell her, what if she takes it wrong, i'm so afraid of her not accepting it" phil said.  
"hey if she doesn't accept who you are then fuck her" PJ said. "okey uhm no that sounded wrong, don't fuck her if she doesn't accept who you truly are" PJ laughed. Phil found himself laughing at that to.

the following day, PJ drove Phil to his wrecked car, to collect all of his things out of his car before the car got tolled away and destroyed. When he was getting all his things he found a paper whit a number, the number to the psychologist. He really should give her a cal he thought. yesterday he let it all spill out of him, all the things he buried down where getting over his head. maybe it is time to do something about this. 

Sofie wasn't home when he got home, she probably stayed at a friends house. he send her a quick text.

P: hey. i am home now, where are you? miss you xx

No response came, she came home hungover later in the day. she walked right up the stairs and laid down in bed.  
"i made dinner" phil called up the stairs. "do you want some?"  
"Nah i good" Sofie grunted back annoyed. 

Later in the evening, phil had a heavy lump in his chest, like he needed to speak to Sofie but he really didn't want to, because he felt like it was the wrong time to speak to here. He laid down next to Sofie, careful not waking her up. he knew how much she hated that, him waking her up when she was asleep. years ago phil confronted her about waking him up when she got home drunk in the early morning hours when phil had work early. She always got angry and said he was a whiny shit. so he just pretended to be asleep every time she got home, at least she wouldn't start talking whit him then or try to have sex. they barely had sex anymore, its been several months now. last time he gave in when she came home drunk, she wouldn't shut up about it that they never had sex anymore so he just gave in to make her happy. like all the last times. it was because to make her happy. 

He rolled around to face Sofie, she was awake. "Hey handsome" Sofie said. She pulled him in to her chest one hand on his back one hand on his ass. feeling and massaging his back. it was a lovely feeling to be in her arms. but in the back of his mind he knew she wanted more then to just cuddle. it always started like this cuddles. Then she wanted more, got angry when Phil didn't want more, he just wanted to cuddle. so even this time she started feeling over his cock and trying to get him worked up. he back away from her hand. she huffed angry and turned around. Phil always felt like he let her down, but he made a promise to himself last time they had sex when he wasn't in the mood to never do that again, it felt wrong. But he couldn't help but feel sorry for her, so he spooned around her and played whit her hair. "I love you, i'm just not in the mood" Phil said carefully. "You always say that, You are never in the mood anymore, sometimes i wonder if you don't love me anymore" She said. "No i don't know why i don't feel like it, but i love you so much Sofie" Phil said apologizing. "can we just stay like this" he continued. "yeah love you to" she replied soft. 

when Phil woke up, Sofie was already gone of to work. his dog Nuki right bedside him instead, she was the best thing phil new, phil was certain dog could sense anxiety or pain. now he was in both. he had taken the week of from work to recover his neck and back pains. nuki snuggled up close to his neck and gave a comfortable warmth. 

After breakfast and walking the dog he knew he couldn't drag on it anymore he needed help, so he took his phone and called the number the nurse had givven him 1,5 year ago. he wonders ,while the signals went, if the phone number still was to the same person..  
"Hello, you are speaking whit Ella, psychologist"  
"hi, uhm my name is phil, i got your number from a nurse 1,5 years ago she took care of my mother"  
"hello phil, what can i help you whit, do you want to make an appointment?" she spoke kindly  
"uhm yeah i think so, yeah" Phil said awkward.  
"So i have a free spot available in 2 days, around 9 am if thats okay whit you?" she asked.  
"yeah uhm that will good" phil said  
"it's nothing more urgent then that phil? you are safe now? i just want to make sure you are safe, standard question." she spoke softly.  
"yeah i'm fine, just feeling a bit down, but nothing more then that" he replied  
"then i will see you on Wednesday morning" She said.  
"Yeah, thanks bye" 

two days later he found himself sitting in his new car outside the hospital. he felt drained after his session whit Ella, they spoke most about his mother, and how he felt during she was sick. it was hard to talk about he didn't want to feel those feeling again. but Ella was nice about it. she was an older woman, maybe around 55-60, she talked much about it was okay to feel those things he felt. she was nice and Phil liked her, so they made a new appointment for next week, she recommended coming once a week now in the beginning. 

After a few days Phil decided to talk to sofie, about him being bisexual. He thought he had hinted a few times during their relationship, so she maybe had figured it out already. he set a time in his head so he couldn't procrastinate about it anymore, after dinner he would talk to her.

"Sof can i tel you something, and please listened to me, and don't be mad ok?" Phil said quite  
"ok what is it?" Sofie said worried.  
"okey this is a bit hard to talk about, uhm so i'm bisexual and-" Phil said. "WHAT? wha-" Sofie cut him of.  
"just listened to me" phil cut sofie of this time.  
"So before we met, i figured this out long ago. but people in school found out and bullied me a lot about it so i never told anyone again, and when i moved here nobody knew about this so i just let it be. after all i met you after just a few weeks" phil smiled at that. "This doesn't mean anything fore us, it is just that i wanted to tell you because it is a part of who i am, and i want you to know me, the real me. i am still the same person" phil said. he felt like a weight had lifted from his chest, he could finally relax. 

Sofie was quite for a minute. it felt like hours for Phil.  
" so you are saying i am not enough? you are a fucking fag?" Sofie said in a raised voice.  
"WHAT no! that is not what bisexual means, it means i like both male and female." Phil said hurt.  
"so you have bean cheating on me then? what the fuck phil" Sofie said angry standing up from her chair.  
"No no no, what no, why would you think that?" Phil said in tears.  
"how else do you know you like boys, i mean you said you never had sex before we met. or did you lie about that also?!" sofie said angry.  
"What no that is not how it works, you didn't need to have sex whit a guy to know you where straight didn't you?" now Phil also raising his voice.  
"what no but that is not the same" Sofie said.  
"why the hell not?" Phil now angry and hurt, tears falling down his cheeks.  
"it just isn't, and fucking hell Phil stop weeping like a baby, or a fucking fag, i understand it all now" Sofie said disgusted and walked upstairs. 

Phil let his head fall in his hands tears streaming down, he felt disgusting like he had done something wrong, that he was a freak. he got all the same feelings from 10 years ago in school. Sofie talked to him like the bullies had done back then, his own girlfriend, why? was he so disgusting that even she couldn't deal whit him. he picked up his phone and texted Pj if he could come over and stay at his place. Pj responded quickly and said it was okay, he din't ask why or when or for how long Phil would stay he just said it was okay.

"i am staying at Pj's tonight, i cant sleep here tonight i need to clear my head" Phil said whit his voice breaking.  
"Yeah you two fit great together, messed up both of you. i will be right here when you come crawling back, because you know what phil nobody else will be there to love you, you are a mess." sofie said cold.  
those last words hit hard, because he knew he was a mess, so yeah she probably is right. 

he arrived at Pj's house, heavy feet walking up to the door, Nuki following him closely. She always did that when Phil was sad.  
"hey you want ice cream?" Pj shouted from the kitchen when Phil closed the door behind him. Phil smiled, Pj knew him to well. "yeah thanks" phil said. 

They watched a movie and ate ice cream, Pj never asked that night what had happened. they just talked about the movie and how bad it was. Phil must have fallen asleep during the film later, he woke up from the sun shining trough the window and feeling way to warm. he shrugged of the blanket he had over him, pj must have tucked him in when he had fallen asleep. Nuki woke up and snuggled in closer to phil, wanting all the lazy morning rubs on her belly. 

Pj, walked in whit coffee, "want to drink coffee outside whit me? its sunny and nice out and i could really need some fresh air" Pj said. "yeah sound nice i will take the blankets" Phil said and gathered all the blankets. it was still cold out but the air was fresh and nice on his skin.  
"So want to tell me about yesterday?" Pj asked carefully.  
"Me and sofie had a fight, after i told her about me being bi. she didn't take it that well" phil said.  
"so you guys broke up?" Pj asked  
"no or yes, i don't know.. i think i need some time to think, and she needs some time to process this also" Phil said.  
"that's okay, i am just worried about you, you know i don't like her right. she is pretty clear in showing that she hates my guts also." Pj said whit a small laugh. "and you are always welcome to crash here, the door is always open for you Phil" Pj said hugging him from the side.  
They sat there quite, enjoying the silence around them, just birds and nature. 

"sometimes i wonder if i still love sofie you know or if-" phil blurted out and stopped himself, what the hell did he just say that out loud.  
"or if?" Pj asked "no nothing, i am just deep in my thoughts" Phil replied fast.  
"you are valid you know phil, you are a beautiful and loving person, i am am just going to say this hate me if you want. you are worth so much more then sofie. what sofie does to you is abuse" Pj said looking right in to Phils eyes. pj looked worried and stern at the same time. "what no sofie doesn't abuse me? where did you get that from?" Phil said. "its not like the physical abuse you think about, it's mental or emotional abuse. I have heard her say some pretty nasty stuff to you. She often does so when she is drunk or high but i have heard here do it when she is sober to. It's not okay phil" Pj said. Phil was quite. " I just want you to know i am here for you, as i said my door i always open, and i have never been in a relationship like that but i can only imagine that it is hard to get out from it" pj said his hand on phil's knee. Phil didn't say anything. he felt like a freak again, sofie wasn't abusing him. she had all the right to be angry at him sometimes, nobody is perfect. fights happened even in the most perfect relationships. he stayed quite he didn't want to argue whit his best friend about this.

He ended up staying 2 more days, Sofie had texted him 1 hour ago if they could talk. he responded that he could be home right away and he drove home.  
"hey babe i'm so so sorry" Sofie said when phil walked in trough the door. "Yeah i'm sorry to, must have been weird for you when i just dropped such bomb on you" Phil looked down not wanting to meet her eyes.  
"can we just forget about this, i am sorry what i said i didn't mean that, you know that right. it just felt so out of the blue for me. i responded wrong i know" sofie apologized. she reached out to phil and pulled him in to a hug. "i am sorry to" phil said, not really knowing why he was apologizing but it felt right to do so. Sofie gave him a kiss. "just can we keep this between us, i just don't want you see getting hurt again like the bullies did fore 10 years ago, i don't want to see you go trough that. it isn't worth it" Sofie said softly cupping his cheeks and looking in to his eyes. "yeah probably for the best" Phil said in a low voice. he really didn't want to live in that shell again but maybe it was for the best as Sofie said. 

The weeks went by, Sofie said some hurtful things sometimes but always apologized right after. She called him gay when he acted in a certain way things ore dressed in e certain way. Phil had bought a new sweater he liked very much but she insisted it was gay and feminine. so he returned it to the store. she was probably right about that. Phil watched a whole lot of Youtube to kill time and it made him happy, a lot of youtubers where out gay, bi, pan, trans. Sofie always looked disgusted and said some snarky things about what he was watching, so he didn't watch that kind of content on YouTube when sofie was at home. Lucky Phil, Sofie was always out every night in the weekends so that was when he watched all the new uploaded content. He thinks to himself if maybe one day he will be able to be out, proud and happy as them seem to be. maybe sofie is wrong he starts to think, every weekend it becomes more clearer to him that she is wrong about this. he is an adult now and fuck he can take some bullies. its 2018 and it feels so stupid to him that why the hell can't he be proud of who he is.

Therapy made this also more and more clear, he finally told his therapist Ella about what he went trough when he was a teenager. she made it clear to him he should think about being more open whit his sexuality and maybe tell somebody, she said it is easier to tell a stranger so start there. And then When it becomes easier tell some one close, his brother or girlfriend close friends. he never said that he told his girlfriend and how she reacted. he wasn't ready to speak about his girlfriend jet. because he felt like he still was doing this behind her back, and he kind of was, she still didn't know that he went to therapy. 

The week after he had been thinking about it the whole week, that he maybe should tell his therapist. he took the courage and did it, he opens up about Sofie and his relationship. Ella was calm and listening, asking a question when Phil went silent. when Phil laid it all out in front of him he realized himself how bad this relationship was, how bad she had treated him. why didn't he see this sooner. he was ready to get a lecture from his therapist, of how stupid and blind he had been. she never did that, she just gave him some advice of how to get out of it in a healthy way. and if he wanted help whit it. he didn't want that, he needed to do this in his one way. 

So he told Pj again of what he was going to do, break up whit Sofie. He was as always understanding and telling his door always was open. Now Phil just needed to make the actual talk whit Sofie, he had written it down and gone trough t in his head so many times now, 5 days went by, every time he wanted to talk about it whit her he chickened out. so he called Pj after work one day, said if he didn't make 'the talk' before tomorrow evening Pj had all the rights to shout at him and kick his ass if he didn't. Pj laughed and said he would be a good friend and hold him to that. 

So that evening when Sofie came home Phil took the courage to do it directly before he could talk himself out of it.  
"Sofie we need to talk" Phil Said trembling voice.  
"What?" Sofie said unsure, almost already knowing what he had meant whit his 'we need to talk'.  
"i think you know what i want to talk about, this, us, isn't working anymore" Phil said pointing between them.  
"What, but i love you Phil" Sofie said pleading.  
"but i don't love you anymore sofie, how harsh that will sound it i true and i don't want to lie to you or myself anymore" Phil said  
"so you want to break up?" Sofie asked hurt.  
"yeah, i am going to stay at Pj's place meanwhile you can try to find a new place" Phil said, he owned the house they where living in, his mother had left for him after she past. but he wasn't a mean person and throw Sofie out, after all it was Phil breaking up whit her. and he still cared a whole lot about her, they have been together for almost 9 years.

"so you are really sure about this then?" sofie said choked up.  
Phil felt horrible, he felt like a heartless person. How he didn't feel sad about this, only feeling the relief on his shoulders, feeling free already.  
"yeah i am Sofie" Phil said low voice.  
Phil stood up, took a bag whit clothes and his dog Nuki, and left. he sighed in relief. this was right, he was doing the right thing. 

In the evening, Phil had gotten so many text from sofie, pleading for him to come back. when he read the last one, phil panicked. She had written she felt it was not worth living anymore, writing she wanted to die. Phil didn't know if it was her being extreme to get his attention or not, but that didn't matter, he felt that those words always should be taken seriously. So he called Sofies best friend Martina and explained what had happened and that he was concerned about Sofie. Martina lived close so she offered to go over to Sofie and check up on her, and text Phil later how she was doing. 

Phil felt horrible, he wasn't a mean person and to make somebody so upset made him feel even worse. Martina texted him 10 minutes later and said Sofie was fine, just sad and upset. 

Days went by, Phil felt happier then he had ever done. Today he was on his way over to his brother, they where having dinner together. His father was also coming over for dinner, so phil had made up his mind and tell his family about him being Bisexual. It felt weird to talk about such things whit his family, him and his brother weren't that close whit his father so talking about such personal things would feel awkward he already knew. It was not about that his father wouldn't except him, no he knew that wasn't any problem for his dad, he was open minded and loving. When they where almost finishing up, having a great time. phil cleaned his throat. "so uhm, now that me and Sofie are over, i think it is time for me to also tell you that i am Bisexual" phil said, he felt his hands shaking he put them under the table on his lap. "proud of you for telling me that, and i am happy for you phil" his brother said smiling and as always whit a calming voice. "Phil, my beautiful son, i am glad you felt you wanted to share that. i am proud of you as always" his father said happy standing up and giving him a hug. "yeah and just more to love eyy" his brother said joking nudging him in the side. phil laughed back, as always his brother made him laugh and making it less awkward. and just like that he was out, and they where already talking and laughing about stuff like they did 10 minutes ago. 

Weeks went by, phil still happiest as ever. But the hardest part was the never ending pleading, angry, hateful or homophobic text he would get from Sofie every day. he read them the in the beginning but he stopped, she was not worth it he felt. He told Pj about the texts, and he said he could try to talk to her about that, that she needed to stop. Phil wanted to do it himself but he knew she never would listned to him. So he was happy Pj wanted to help him out.  
It helped when Pj had talked to her, they where not coming everyday anymore, mostly on weekends when she probably was drunk or high. 

Also roomers where starting to spread now that Phil was more open about his sexuality, that he and Pj where dating. They laughed about it, what else could they do. Pj joked around it how he was the opposite of wing-manning him right now. Phil was happy his friend didn't bother to much about the roomers. 

Months had gone by now, Phil moved back into his house and Sofie had found a new place to live. She was still drunk dialing /texting him, he was thinking about blocking her number but it felt so harsh. He send her a text saying he was thinking about that if she didn't stop. After that she stopped. he felt happy she finally listened but sad he had to threaten and even think about needing to block her. 

He also started to date girls and boys. he hooked up whit some girls, but he felt wrong doing it, he never was that into the sex. he wonders if it was because it was because they where girls or if it was he didn't feel connected to them. but even the dates whit the girls he dated, the dates where fine but he didn't feel anything for them he wasn't even exited before them. so he stopped dating and hooking up whit girls. He had been on a few dates whit gay men, but it didn't feel right. and he didn't want just to hook up whit some guy to get i over whit. he was nervous being a 'virgin' at 30 years old again. it was like 10 years ago all over again. So he had told himself to just wait and hold out till he find the right guy.

in those months he also got a new neighbor, Susan. She was a wonderful and very openly lesbian, she was around 35-40 years. The pride flag hung high and bright at her porch. Phil laughed a bit the first day ha saw she hanged it up, day after she moved in. It was also the day he found a new wonderful friend, she was excepting and loving. It felt nice to be able to talk to someone about sexuality and things around it. he told her about how he felt when he dated or hooked up whit girls, it was she saying he maybe should stop dating or hooking up whit them if he felt like that just for now or even forever. she also talked to him about that he maybe felt that way because he was gay and not bi. She talked about in very nice and respecting way, she was not saying he was but just to think about it, think back on his life. 

And so he did, he thought about it a whole lot, one Friday evening he sat on Susans porch and realized he maybe was gay. but he had so many bad memories from the word gay, he had hard accepting it. "you know a week ago when we talked about me being gay, i think i am" Phil said quietly. "i am happy for you excepting your self phil that is a huge step" Susan said. "yeah but i don't like the word gay or having a label, you know that right, it is hard for me. the words give me so many bad flashbacks" phil said sad. "i have friends who feel the same, and they call them self 'queer', so use that instead if that fits better" Susan said. "yeah i think i like that" Phil said.

It is a Saturday afternoon in June now and Susan and Phil are decorating her house in all the rainbow colors. in just a few hours all their queer and non queer friend are coming over to celebrate pride. Susan has invited some friends from where she lived before she moved. Phil never met them but he is exited to meet new people for once. he never felt like this before but it's maybe because he finds he can relax more now and be himself. nobody in their friend group judges anybody. 

All the guest had arrived, and phil particularly couldn't stop looking at one person. He was a friend to Susan and had introduced himself as Dan. He was beautiful, smiley around the same age maybe 3-4 years younger and that dimple in his cheek that formed when he smiled wide was just to much phil thought. Susan noticed him looking, "just go over and talk to him, and yes he is single, gay and best of all the nicest guy i know. just go for it, be yourself" Susan said whispering in his ear. "okey here goes nothing then" Phil whispered back and took the courage and walked over. 

"Hey Dan was it?" phil asked  
"Yep, hi uhm..i am so bad at names" Dan said awkward  
"is ok, phil" phil said smiling.  
"Great name, that suits you. So you from here?" Dan asked  
"thanks weird name fore a weird guy" Phil said laughing " yeah i live there" he pointed to the other side of the garden.  
"no more beautiful name for a beautiful man" Dan said smirking "wow sorry that came out way more smooth then i was expecting" Dan said laughing. Phil blushed, omg was this cute man flirting whit him?  
"and wow that is a nice big house you have!" dan said. "yeah bit big for myself and my dog, but its nice to have enough space" Phil said. feeling smooth to have made it clear to Dan that he was single. He saw how Dan lighted up when he said he lived alone, it made Phils flutter a bit.  
"Omg you have a dog?!" Dan said exited. "he yeah a corgi named Nuki" Phil said smiling thinking how cute Dan reacted to him owning a dog.

"GUYS CAKE TIME!! come on! " Susan shouted from the porch interrupting their conversation. "before she gets angry we better get inside" Phil said chuckling realizing they where the only ones left outside. "yeah but you better introduce me to your dog after that!" Dan said grinning walking inside. "yeah of course" Phil said happy. 

after cake they all got lost in conversation around the table, Susan telling story's about her life and strange things she has experienced. Phil sat next to dan, between susan storys they talked, they learned that both of them where huge gaming nerds, mostly old school games. and that they had the same taste in music. They talked about their weird emo phases growing up. Susan started a new story and Dan and Phil listened to her talking exited and clearly getting very tipsy. When she was finished Pil stood up. "already going home Lester?" Susan asked mockingly. "ha no i am not that old jet Susan, just need to go home and walk Nuki and give her some food and love" Phil said laughing. "okey but you better be back directly after that" Susan said. Phil turned around and strated walking trough the hallway, "hey Phil you didn't forget about me meeting your dog did you?" Dan said running after phil. "Ha uh oh yes sorry" phil said awkward. "sooo okey if i go whit you?" Dan asked smiling wide. "Yeah come on, would be nice to have some company walking" phil said exited. 

"so uhm she can be a bit much, so be ready to be attacked by kisses from her" phil said opening the door, and Nuki run trough the door running past Phil right to Dan. "thanks Nuki for always choosing me first, thanks a lot" Phil mutters jokingly. "haha omg she is the cutest thing! how even is she allowed to be so cute" Dan said kneeling down and being attacked by kisses from her. "yeah she is adorbs" phil said smiling of the sight, his dog jumping this handsome man in his doorway.

They walked on a path behind Phil and Susans house, "okey if we walk a bit longer? i really like to show me my favorite spot. its just 10 min walk from here" Phil said blushing a bit. "yeah of course, it is nice out so why not" Dan Said. They walked, and talked about everything what they liked and didn't like. the tv shows they watch the best muse songs. They came out of the forest and the sun was shining, it was late in the evening but the sun still shined bright and warm. they reached the end, and only thing was open fields whit grass and flowers around them, and an amazing view over the town, Susan and Phil lived a bit outside of town and up a hill so they had a full view over it now. "Wow i understand why you like this spot!" Dan said. "yeah it is nice i like the view" Phil said smiling. he felt always so at ease here, he never told anyone about this spot, but somehow he wanted to share it whit Dan. It felt right and easy to do that whit Dan, he already felt that he could be himself and relax around him.

Dan played around whit nuki "she likes you" Phil Said happy. Nuki was sometimes hard to befriend and she never played whit other people then Phil. Dan smiled and picked her up, and gave phil his phone. "can you take picture of us, i need a photo to always remember this, and collect to my dog photo collection" Dan said eagerly. Phil took a few photos, Dan but Nuki on the ground and went trough the photos. Dan showed one photo, "omg your dog is so cute! look at her durpy cute face here" Dan said. "you both look cute in that photo" Phil said blushing, how the hell, so he relly is flirting whit this man. he saw how Dan also blushed. "i think i am going to post this to Instagram" Dan said happy. 

They walked home, gave Nuki food, and went back over to Susan. "finally you two are back, almost worried you where lost out in the forest and eaten alive by bears" Susan said joking. "Always so dramatic" Dan said laughing rolling his eyes. They played games, talked, drank way to much and had way to much fun. Phil really never had felt so good and at ease whit himself and his own body like he did right now, he really had learned so much about himself this past year. he really knew now how real happiness felt.

The sun had gone down and up again. "think it is time for me to go home and sleep now" Phil said standing up, feeling drunk and unsteady on his feet. he laughed at himself almost falling. "easy there" Dan said steadying phil on his feet, "i will help this old man to his house" Dan said to Susan walking past her whit an arm hooked in phils arm. She smiled and nodded. "Hey i am not THAT old!" Phil said pretending to be hurt. "yeah yeah keep telling yourself that" Dan said mocking. 

when they reached phils house, Phil wished he was more sober and he hoped he didn't embarrass himself all to much in front of Dan. "Sorry! bit to drunk, so embarrassing, here am i trying to give a good impression on a handsome and nice guy and i am just fucking it all up being drunk and weird" Phil said mumbling. Dan chuckled, "no you are not embarrassing or weird, you are a cute drunk. aaand by the way who is this guy you are trying to impress? do i know him?" Dan said smirking looking around. Phil blushed at Dan nice words, "uhm he is standing in front of me" Phil continued blushing even more looking down. Dan smiled and blushed. "stop being so nice Phil, you make me blush you cheese ball" Dan said. "ugh i am not a cheese ball, cheese is disgusting" Phil said laughing. "you are a weird man Phil Lester, you have some weird sides but i like it" Dan said smiling and shaking his head. "am not weird, cheese is bleh" Phil said laughing. Dan just shakes his head and laughs whit him. they both fall silent a minute later, looking at each other.

Is it now he should invite Dan inside, Phil considered it. But in some way he didn't want to be this drunk the first time to have sex whit a guy. Phil also really really liked Dan and he wouldn't want it to be a one night stand either. so he cut the silence and awkward staring "so uhm i am going inside now" Phil says quite. "yeah goodnight Phil, i had a nice time tonight" Dan said. "yeah me to, you are nice and this dimple is cute when you smile" Phil said poking Dans cheek, wow that boose really made him say what he was thinking Phil thought. Dan took Phils hand when he poked his cheek, they stood there looking at each other. Dan reached out whit his other hand and pulled him in to a kiss. Phils was knee weak, his hart skipped a beat and time stood still, or well it felt like that any way. Dan backed away, "goodnight Phil" and Dan turned around and walked away. Phil had no words, first of all he really hoped he would remember all of this tomorrow ans secondly he really needed to get Dans number before he left tomorrow.

Phil woke up, hot and feeling terribly hungover. he looked at his phone, squinting his eyes at the bright screen, it was 2 in the afternoon already! how the hell did he sleep so long. Then he remembered everything, Dan.. o gosh they really kissed before he left. "shit!" he jumped out of bed, run downstairs and looked trough the kitchen window looking over to susan drive way if Dans car still was there. He sighed it was gone. "fuck" he mutters. He really hoped to see him before he left. Phil was a bit disappointed in himself for sleeping way to long. He took a long shower and dressed him self properly and ate some dry cereal, he swallowed it down whit several gallons of water. his body was a bit dehydrated after all the alcohol. He felt terrible, it was so long ago he had been drunk almost forgotten how a terrible a hungover could be. But this time this hungover was so worth it, he had a really great time yesterday and made some amazing new friends.  
his phone buzzed in his pocket.

Susan: Hey you alive? want coffee?  
Phil: barely alive, Coffee yes please! 

Phil put on his shoes and Let Nuki out of the door, they had no close by neighbors so Nuki got to run around like she wanted.  
"hey" Phil said walking up in to susans yard, she was sitting outside in the shade, left over cake and coffee on the table. "hey handsome" Susan said. "ha handsome, it's the last thing i feel today, i feel so terrible" Phil laughed. "weell i know someone o thinks otherwise" Susan said wiggling her eyebrows. Phil knew what she meant rolled his eyes at her "ugh i think he changes his opinion if he would see me in this state" phil said. "stop rolling your eyes at me young man, i can see Dan is already affecting on you.." Susan said laughing. phil smiled thinking about Dan. 

"you really like him huh" Susan said lovingly. "yeah it strange how much in common we have you know" phil said smiling. "it is just i'm scared, he followed me home yesterday, and yeah i got scared. i have never been whit a guy and i was drunk and i didn't want that to be the first time. but i also felt like i somehow ruined it whit him, what if he thinks i am not interested. and i am scared he thinks i am not good enough because i'm basically a 'gay virgin'" phil said sighing heavy. "hey no now you did the right thing, and just a secret between you and me, Dan is a virgin to. he never has been whit a girl or guy. he identifies himself as queer he explaind to me he never fit in in just one box, its a mix between gay/demisexual. he had a hard time whit this when he was younger, his family wasn't excepting, so i took him in to my home when he was 18 and legally not bound to his parents anymore. he has a special place in my hart this boy, he is wonderful." Susan smiled. "and yes from the first day i met you i knew you two would hit it of immediately, but you need to take it slow, promise me that. i care about him like he is my own son. so you better not go break his heart" Susan said strict. phil nodded and let her words melt.

"but if he is Demi or yeah something like that, doesn't that mean you need to grow a bond between each other to feel attracted?" phil said wondering. "yeah something like that, is that a problem Phil?" susan said unsure. "no no, just confused me, well he kissed me last night before i got inside" phil said smirking thinking back on the kiss. "he WHAT? o gosh didn't expect that!" susan said happy. "he never told me, and yeah he couldn't shut up about you this morning but yeah he never said that!" susan said laughing shaking her head. 

"yeah so what do i do now?" Phil said. "just text him and talk whit him, he clearly likes you a lot so he surely would be over the moon if you contacted him" Susan said. "yeah but i didn't get his number" Phil said bit sad. "that is fixable" Susan said reaching for her phone. Phil phone buzzed. "your welcome" Susan said smirking.  
"thanks" phil said quite looking at his phone, Susan had send Dans number to him. "just promise you will take it slow whit him, let him decide the next step, kissing is one thing but sex is a whole other level" Susan said. "i know where you live if i need to kick your ass, you know that i will do that if you fuck this up right Phil" Susan continued strict. "yeah i promise i wont" Phil said.

Phil went home short after that, he still was hungover and the surgery cake didn't make it better. he was sitting whit his phone in his hands, the new message tab open, Dans number in the receive tab. he had written and deleted several messages, how did you start a conversion, why did this feel so hard. in the end he decided on something simple, boring maybe but it was a safe start.

Phil: Hey Dan, hope you came home okay and doing better then me, i am having the worst hangover ever.. feel sorry for meee :( /phil the dorky guy from yesterday.  
the reply almost came instantly

Dan: heeey, oh no poor you, drink water and eat salty things it makes me feel better when i am hungover. yeah i got home safe and doing better then i thought i would. btw how drunk was i yesterday, i don't remember giving you my number 😅 /Dan the nerd you met yesterday.

Phil chuckled at his reply, he maybe wasn't the only one being way to drunk. He really hoped that dan wasn't to drunk to had forgotten their kiss thought. 

Phil: not that drunk, i got your number from Susan 😊  
Dan: oh that explains it, so she really did that huh. she has never done that, she can be a bit overprotective of me, she is like my mom so i don't blame her. but that proves she must really like you to. 😊

phil read the message twice and the last words made him giddy, so Dan liked him.. 

Phil: haha well you should be happy to have her some a mother figure, she is really lovely. best neighbor i have. and i'm not just saying that because she is my only neighbor 😅 

Dan: haha yeah i can understand you feel like that, i miss her lots, should probably visit more often. but its a long drive..  
Phil: yeah i like the idea you visiting her more often, if that means i get to see you again also. 😉 where do you live btw?  
Dan: about 150 miles from you 😑. and of course that means you get to see me, i like that idea to. i really like to beat you in Mario kart, you got quite cocky about being the best at that. but you are challenging the wrong guy, i'm basically the Mario kart master. 😁

They texted back and fort the whole evening, it felt good how easily the conversation flown.  
A week had gone by and they had texted every evening. their was always something to talk about, sometimes serious things and some days their was only light banter and jokes. they also started making plans to meet each other again. they where both free the next weekend, so they mad plans that phil would come and visit next week. they talked the following days of what they should do and eat. they decided for a game night and pizza. phil was exited the day before and texted Dan he was. dan responded he was to. Saturday when he woke up he had received a text from dan, phil got a lump in his stomach when he read it.

Dan: sorry need to cancel tonight, sorry again. :(

Phil read it several times, dan had sent it to him 6 in the morning. it was 8.30 now. he typed and deleted a message several times. 

Phil: oh :( it's okey though, just was looking forward in seeing you again. :(  
Dan replied directly  
Dan: yeah i was too i really was, sorry for this..  
Phil: it's okey dan, just can you tell me why? is it something i did or is it something else?  
Dan: No it's not you, i just felt anxious about it all and got scared, just scared what you would expect from me you know..  
Phil: it's okey, and you don't need to feel that way, i like you a lot Dan but i'm not doing anything you aren't ready for. i wasn't planning on more then to just hang out whit you and play games and drive home after that. i am happy you told me though <3  
Dan: yeah okey i feel shit now thinking you would be like all the others, you really are to nice.  
Dan: just sorry again for this..  
Phil: it's okey, there will be other days we can meet, we can just continue talking and texting for a while if that makes you feel more comfortable.  
Dan: yeah thanks i would like that. :)

phil left it at that and made some other plans for the day, he cleaned the whole house and went for a long walk whit Nuki. 

Dan: hey so i still feel shit for canceling on you, you seem like a wonderful guy and i really like to see you, tonight if you are still up for it.  
it was 1 pm, phil calculated fast in his head what time he would able to arrive at dans house. it would be pretty late and if he needed to drive back after it would be dark. and he really didn't like to drive in the dark.  
Phil: you sure? i mean i can wait. its okey for me.  
Dan: yeah i'm sure if you still want of course.  
Phil: yeah absolutely, it's just that it will be late when i arrive and if you want to spend more then 1 hour whit me.. i will be dark out and i don't like to drive home in the dark.. so uhm can i stay over at yours? i can sleep on the couch.. :)  
Dan: of course you can stay over, rent will be you making pancakes for breakfast for me, you have bragged about them so now you are not coming out from it. :)  
Phil: okey and of course you get the all time delicious Lester pancakes! :D  
Phil: i text you when i am getting close to your place, on my way! :)  
Dan: whoho see you soon then :)

Phil arrived, they hugged and went inside, Phil felt nervous. but soon the felt right back in to their conversations like they had the day they met and when they talked on the phone. they played Mario kart the whole night, order in pizza. laughing and having fun. and their was a whole lot of staring at each other. and yeah dan was also the master of Mario kart, phil didn't win even one time. they had stopped playing, now they where talking, Dan yawning and Phil responded whit a yawn to.  
"do you have an extra pillow and blanket or duvet?" Phil asked "uh oh yes of course" Dan stood up and walked in to his bedroom. he came back quickly whit a pillow and blanket. "thanks" Phil said quietly. "so uhm good night then" dan said hesitant "yeah good night Dan" Phil said whispering. Dan walked away and close his bedroom door behind him. 

phil made himself ready for sleep and laid down on the sofa, his long body almost didn't fit but he managed. he was almost drifting of in to sleep when he heard dan walking out of his room. "you still awake?" dan whispered. "yeaah?" Phil answered turning around to face dan in the dark room, he couldn't see dan al that clerly whit out his contacts or glasses on but he could see staning half naked in front of him. Phil blushed, really hoping it was to dark for dan to see him stare and blush.  
"can't sleep, i feel bad letting you sleep on the couch and i really like you to sleep next to me" Dan said the last word so quite Phil almost didn't hear it. "it's okey dan i can sleep here, don't worry about me" Phil said calmingly, because he meant that he really didn't bother and yes of course he wanted to sleep next to dan but he really hoped Dan didn't invite him to his bed because he felt sorry for him. 

"okey let me phrase that again, i really really like you to sleep whit me in my bed, just sleep next to me, it is just that i will regret tomorrow if i didn't ask or let you do that" Dan said shy.  
"okey i would like that to, just sleeping though, just to clarify, i like you a lot Dan but i am not ready for uhm sex" Phil said blushing.  
"yeah you spork just sleeping, and yeah i am not there jet either so, but i like you a lot to Phil" Dan said smiling. 

They laid down close to each other, looking in to their eyes. i was dark but they could see enough of each other. Phil felt asleep soon after. he woke up warm and a bit crushed, he realized Dan was holding him tight, his chest against his back one hand inside of phils T-shirt. Phil startled and froze. what should he do, is Dan awake? should he pretend to sleep? should he move? but he quite liked the feeling of Dan being so close, but what if Dan woke up and realized this and he wasn't ready for this?

"are you awake?" Dan suddenly asked whit a low husky morning voice. god how sexy he sounded. Phil nodded "yeah". "is this okey, sorry for waking you up like this" dan said taking his hand away from phils chest. Phil stopped him, "yeah more then okey, was just a bit surprised waking up like this, but i like this" Phil said. So they stayed like that the whole morning. eventually they got up and Phil made Dan his promised pancakes. 

after breakfast they went for a walk Whit Nuki, phil wanted to talk about his life, he felt he needed to tell Dan, like before this between them got more serios so dan had a choice to back out before it was to late. it was a big part of his life, his illness and his abusive ex. so he did, he told Dan everything, he talked about not being able to have biological kids, about how he was mentally abused, how his mother died, about his sexuality crises, about him being new to this gay sex thing and his best and only friend getting murdered. Dan just listened trough it all, patiently listening giving Phil the time. 

Dan stopped walking and pulled Phil in to hug, he felt his eyes water. phil took a few deep breaths to calm him self down, it felt good to tell Dan, and he hoped he really didn't scare him away. "hope i am not scaring you away whit all of my shit" Phil said in to Dans shoulder still hugging him tight. "no why should you, i am just happy you trusted me and telling me this, it means a lot to me, and i know by own experience this isn't easy to talk about" Dan said lovingly. "it means a lot to me you are willing to listen" Phil said.

"i have some shit from my past to, so i know, not at all in the level like you have but enough to understand on a small level what you went trough" Dan said quietly. "I have been dealing whit my sexuality my whole teenage years, my parents weren't nice to me and i have been dealing whit depression, one day i will tell you all about it to but i'm not ready jet" Dan sighed. "and oh yeah uhm i'm new to the whole gay relationship or sex thing to" Dan said shy and chuckled. Phil smiled and took his hand and they continued walking "this okay?" Phil asked referring to the holding hands. Dan nodded and smiled. 

Weeks went by, Dan and Phil talked everyday and saw each other almost every weekend, the drive was always long and boring but it was so worth it Phil thought. they became closer and closer, and Phil started to fall in love, and so did Dan to of what he said to Phil. They talked a lot about feelings, it was strange how easy it became to talk about such things. Phil and sofie never talked or asked each other how they felt. Dan always asked, and Phil asked Dan. 

They hadn't have sex yet, and Phil was okey whit that. There was a lot of cuddling and kissing,the last times they had seen each other. they talked about it what was okay and what not. and yes the kissing got more heated sometimes and both got hard, Phil had felt Dan hard against his thigh, both had backed away and calmed themselves down. their bodies wanted more, but dans brain wasn't ready, Phil told Dan it was okay over and over again. But Dan was sad and disappointed in him self, and felt like he was letting Phil down. Phil tried to explain he didn't need to feel like that, Phil was more than happy to wait, cuddles and kissing was good to. 

one Thursday a day before Dan was coming over for the weekend they talked on the phone. from one thing to an other Dan suddenly bursted out, "i think i am ready to have sex whit you". "wha omg dan, give your man a warning before you say something like that" Phil chuckled. "and why do you feel ready, not that i'm complaining" phil said. "just been thinking about it a lot when you left last time" Dan said giggling. "tell me Dan what have you exactly been thinking about" Phil said cheeky. "you really wanna know huh, just you and me naked in your bed, touching and kissing your whole body" Dan said in a low and shy voice. "stop Dan, didn't think you where literally gonna tell me. now i can't wait to see you tomorrow" Phil said thinking about dans words. "you asked for it so you got what you wanted" Dan said laughing, knowing exactly what it did to Phil. 

The next evening, Dan and Phil where spooning and cuddling in the sofa, watching a movie. Phil had his chest against Dan's back and arms around him, his one hand rubbing and stroking dans chest. Dan took a hold of Phil's hand, guiding it down slowly to his groin. Phil swallowed he felt how hard Dan was trough his jeans. "wanna go upstairs" Phil said, raspy voice. "yeah" Dan said and stood up not letting go of Phil's hand. They undressed both just in boxers, phil couldn't stop staring at Dan's beautiful body. he saw Dan was nervous of his staring. "you are so beautiful and sexy Dan, gosh" Phil said hoping Dan wouldn't feel so self conscious about being almost fully naked.

Dan smiled, and laid down under the covers whit Phil, they had done this before, but both where nervous knowing what was going to happen. "so what do you want" phil asked shy. " i- i just want you near me, and feel you" Dan said, Phil noticed he had hard to find words. so Phil asked instead. "is this okey" Phil asked when he stroked softly over dan's clothed cock. Dan gasped and nodded. Phil kissed down over dan's neck and chest. Dan was breathing heavy. "okey if i take your boxers of? i want to feel you" Phil said also breathing heavy now. "yeah, want to feel you to" Dan said trailing his shaking hand down over Phil's hip and brushing it light over phil's clothed cock. phil gasped and felt his cock twitch. they both took of their boxers, Phil took Dan's hand this time to encourage him to touch him, he wrapped dans hand around his cock. "just do what you like for yourself" Phil said ensuring between his heavy breathing, Dan started stroking Phil. "can can i tou-" phil started but moaned loudly when dan stroked his thumb over the head of phil's cock. "please" Dan pleaded and jerked in to phil's side. Phil took a hold of Dans cock and they stroked eachother over the edge kissing sloppy between their moaning and gasping. both came, Phil first but Dan soon after. they laid and holding each other close breathing heavy, coming down from their high, their hands and stomachs sticky from cum but they didn't bother right now, right now they wanted to be close to each other and hold the other.

"I love you" Dan said after they had cleaned up and laid down in bed again. Phil smiled, his heart was full, he couldn't be more happy then he was right now, a man who trusted him, loved him, respected him and who let him be truly who he was without judging. "I love you to dan, so so much" Phil said lovingly kissing Dan. "thank you for showing me what love is, i am the luckiest guy on the planet" Phil said softly.


End file.
